Monthly archives: August, 2015

It’s like listening to… Week 5

This is a weekly series of genre descriptions. If you disagree with my descriptions, you’re probably wrong. It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.

Week one is over here.
Week two is over there.
Week three is over here.
Week four is over here.

Folk metal:

It’s like listening to whistling wind and wandering water winding through woods dotting a dale. Suddenly, the dale rockets upwards, powered by explosions. The peace of the wooded valley is unaffected; you find serenity, swaying above the detonations.

Inspired by: ELUVEITIE – A Rose For Epona & KORPIKLAANI – Kunnia

Electro swing:

It’s like listening to a old timey big band covering a bouncing dance floor with velvety brass horns and thick bass notes. During a trumpet solo, you notice that the trumpeter is a robot. Full of sudden alarm, you edge away from the dance floor and bump into a well-dressed couple. Their mechanoid eyes click as they examine you. Everyone here is a robot. You resume dancing to avoid suspicion.

Inspired by: Parov Stelar – Booty Swing & Lionel Hampton – It don’t mean a thing (Club Mix)

Steampunk:

It’s like listening to a loud upstairs neighbor who has somehow convinced a string quartet to tap dance on a sheet of iron. When you pound on the ceiling to make them quiet the hell down, your broom makes a scratchy, static-filled boom. Confused, you hesitate, and the violin finally sinks its melody deep into your brain. A lever ratchets open as your sight surrenders to an unknown grey mist.

 

You wake up on a Victorian-style wrought iron bed that has been painted brass, covered in cogs, and appears to have multiple points of articulation that you can’t figure out how to use. Your ears are filled with the ringing of anvils and the heaving of bellows. You think you might be helping to construct a 90 foot tall steel crab. As you leave your room, you take a pair of goggles with you. They’ll probably never be useful, but it’s better to have them and not need them…

Congratulations to Tobias McCurry for now having a TV show that proves that he’s the steam-est punk I know.

Inspired by: Abney Park’s “Airship Pirate”Steam Powered Giraffe – Brass Goggles

Trip hop:

It’s like drifting down a gentle stream, your feet brushing across smooth river rocks. Your heartbeat swells in your ears, methodically tapping out your lifeblood. As you make your way downstream, you drift in and out of consciousness. Each time you lift your head, you find yourself in an entirely different, yet somehow familiar, river.

Inspired by: Massive Attack – Teardrop & How To Destroy Angels – How Long? & Martina Topley-Bird – Sandpaper kisses

Rap metal:

It’s like listening to a subway car methodically rattling down the track. The brakes scream as it takes turns harder and faster. The train begins charging through the city, throwing the castoffs and remnants of society back into the harsh fluorescent light of the platforms. The helpless wail of the brakes vanishes into the night, leaving you surrounded by the problems you had ignored and forgotten.

Inspired by: BIOHAZARD – How It Is (Video) & Rage Against The Machine – Bulls on Parade


It’s like listening to… Week 4

This is a weekly series of genre descriptions. If you disagree with my descriptions, you’re probably wrong. It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.

Week one is over here.
Week two is over there.
Week three is over here.

Grunge:

It’s like listening to a pack of wild dogs who have been transformed into guitars, losing none of their feral nature or ravenous hunger. The pack thunders through the underbrush, pouncing upon every morsel they hunt down.

Inspired by: Soundgarden – Rusty Cage &  Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Bonus “It’s like listening to”:
Post-Grunge:

It’s like listening to an entire give of 10 foot wasp spirits, furiously screaming a banshee’s song of hatred with their wings. The wasp spirits shatter the wall of the Containment Zone and escape Chicago. ‪#‎shadowrun‬

Inspired by: Filter – Hey Man, Nice Shot (Official Video) HD

Horrorcore rap:

It’s like listening to a busy, dirty urban street on the edge of sanity. Crows and starlings mix their songs with bass notes from thumping hoopties and jalopies. A nearby stoop full of hoarse-voiced cultists chant about murder, monsters, menthol cigarettes, and social inequality.

Inspired by: Twiztid – We Don’t Die

Hardcore rap:

It’s like listening to the clanking of oars on a massive longship. The coxswain assaults his drum with savage, irregular beats, spurring the ship to ramming speed. Bearing down on a gold-laden merchant ship, the crew’s hungry growls boom out across the water. As the bow batters through its prey, the world shatters.

Inspired by: HQ Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta Fuck Wit + Lyrics

French hip hop:

It’s like listening to a proud, battle-scarred spaceship taking a meandering path through the galaxy. Flying sparks crack across the engine room, as the hum and thrum of the reactors resonate through the hull.

Inspired by: Art De Rue Album Complet by Fonky Family

Bonus “It’s like listening to”:
Hyphy hip hop:

It’s like listening to a 12 year old reading the Urban Dictionary while mashing random buttons on a synthesizer.

Inspired by: E-40 & Too $hort – Dump Truck ft. Travis Porter, Young Chu

Zef rap:

It’s like listening to the Lost Boys of Neverland suddenly invading an abandoned train yard, pounding out an echoing beat, and howling in mirthful angst. A crazed crowd races through the steel jungle, following the iron thumping, only to find nothing.

Inspired by: $o$ – Die Antwoord (Full Album) 2010


It’s like listening to… Week 3

This is a weekly series of genre descriptions. If you disagree with my descriptions, you’re probably wrong. It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.

Week one is over here.
Week two is over there.

Psytrance:

It’s like listening to a hummingbird’s heartbeat on a ghostly shore, with spectral echoes of former waves scampering forward and boiling against wave breakers made of glass wind chimes and unidentifiable bones.

Inspired by: Psymoon Record’s “Kapnobatai” EP ( http://www.ektoplazm.com/free-music/kapnobatai )

Dubstep:

It’s like listening to a crotchety, old, silicon-based life form trying to get his grumpy cyborg dog to stop baying at the TV. Dammit, Rrrkl’plix! There’s no one at the door!

Inspired by: Flux Pavilion’s “Blow the Roof” EP ( https://soundcloud.com/flux-pavilion/flux-pavilion-blow-the-roof )

Power noise:

It’s like listening to a pair of sturdy work boots slamming around the inside of a massive dryer, while a street drummer jams with a construction crew.

Inspired by: Terrorfakt ( http://youtu.be/aXoqK1jrZOI ) and AUTHOR & PUNISHER ( http://youtu.be/cQQhtGmvUWc )

Tribal house:

It’s like listening to a strangely competent drum circle sending your spirit on a journey through a sonic forest. The drumbeats resonate with your heart’s pulse, connecting you to the forest on a primal level. For good or ill, you get lost in the Samba Grove for a half hour. Or longer.

Inspired by: Lacandon and Venes’ “Purple Sessions 019” ( https://soundcloud.com/lacandon-and-venes/lacandon-and-venes-purple-15 )

Neo-medieval:

It’s like listening to an army of Highland Scotsmen getting psyched up and ready for war, then deciding to have a party instead. They end up causing the same amount of destruction.

Inspired by: Corvus Corax’ “Fili Neidhardi” ( http://youtu.be/GEuwGlIhx7Q )


It’s like listening to… Week 2

This is a weekly series of genre descriptions. If you disagree with my descriptions, you’re probably wrong. It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.

Week one is over here.

Futurepop/Future synthpop: 

It’s like listening to a Big Band-era lounge singer crooning along with an orchestra that has secretly been replaced by robots.

Inspired by: Minerve – “Hold Me Tight” ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idIajDnUwvw )
Happy Hardcore:
It’s like listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks singing, while Animal from the Muppets frantically beats a drum kit like it punched his mom. Then, the Tasmanian Devil runs in, playing an auto-tuned vacuum cleaner.
Inspired by: Anabolic Frolic’s Happy 2b Hardcore series ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTm518mgAf4 )
Bonus “It’s Like Listening To”:
Rotterdam Hardcore/Gabber:
It’s like listening to to the previously described Chipmunks, Animal, and Tasmanian Devil band, except they also angrily worship Satan, and “fuck” makes up approximately 25% of their lyrics.
Inspired by: Rotterdam Terror Corp ( http://youtu.be/CGNZFB8sxTE )
Black metal:
It’s like listening an OCD guitarist who must play each minor chord four times quickly before he can move to the next one, while a homeless Scandinavian screams himself hoarse inside of a wind tunnel. Also, there’s a church choir being eaten by a gremlin in the background.
Inspired by: Sturmglanz’ Soundcloud page ( https://soundcloud.com/sturmglanz-black-metal )
Symphonic metal:
It’s like listening to an orchestra riding atop a fire-breathing dragon as it battles an army of orcs. During the fracas, the dragon banks hard, throwing the orchestra into the clouds, where they scream and pour their last few moments into weaving The Perfect Coda. The dragon, hearing the The Perfect Coda, sweeps back and catches them. Together, they escape into the night’s sky.
Inspired by: Ara’Kus’ “Aeterno Elementum” EP ( https://arakus.bandcamp.com/album/aeterno-elementum-2 )
Speed metal:
It’s like listening to the lone surviving member of a choral version of The Hunger Games. His vocals are rough from the trials, but he is victorious and defiant. His song echoes in the crystal prison of living lightning, which is furiously careening off of all of the facets of its cell, desperately seeking freedom.
Inspired by: Firewind’s “Burning Earth” EP ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LM_ueKlEd14 )

It’s like listening to… Week 1

This is a weekly series of genre descriptions. If you disagree with my descriptions, you’re probably wrong. It’s OK. It happens to the best of us.

Darkstep:

It’s like listening to a pissed-off robot angrily growling about the failures of humankind at 180 beats per minute.

Inspired by: Neuropunk 37 ( https://soundcloud.com/tamrecords/neuropunk-pt37-mixed-by-bes )

Aggrotech:

It’s like listening to a panicked man screaming at sentient robots in a desperate and futile effort to prevent the percussive explosion that ultimately destroys him.

Inspired by: Combichrist – Making Monsters EP ( https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3CDD9088CB0B3A6D )

Industrial metal:

It’s like listening to a prisoner of the Machines who is literally caught in the inner workings of a monstrously gigantic mechanical device. The prisoner screams as he frantically dodges pistons pounding out an inhumanly fast beat.

Inspired by: Fear Factory – Obsolete EP ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWW-14d8Zk4 )

Minimal techno:

It’s like listening to the audio equivalent of the Mona Lisa; it’s waaay smaller than you thought it was going to be, and there’s so much empty space here…

 

Damn. This is disappointing. Wait! The eyes moved! Holy shit! The eyes are following me! Hey! C’mere! Check this out! No, no. Just give it a chance, man.

Inspired by: Plasticman – EX EP ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDBcxEMHNMs )

Intelligent Dance Music:

It’s like listening to a bitmap of a crazy man’s face that has been mathematically remapped via a power over frequency algorithm into an audio waveform.

 

No, really. Richard D. James is insane.

Inspired by: Aphex Twin – ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][Σj∈C[i]Fji[n − 1] +Fexti[n−1]] ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9xMuPWAZW8 )

 


Welcome or something

So, after a several year hiatus from the interwebs, I have a site again.

Don’t expect too much.

 

Of course, if you’re familiar with my previous work, you already knew the folly of high expectations.